Friday, October 28, 2011

The Way It Is: Mace, not to be confused with Maize

First OFFICIAL Boonville Daily News column.
I'M BACK!!!!!

Pink or black? Or did I want polka dots?
Rhinestoned was not an option, so I went with pink.
After my first brief but alarming encounter with the more nocturnal, big-city inhabitants, I was instructed to buy Mace.
Mace, the spray; not the stuff that grows in fields — that's maize. But I think I'd have a lot more fun slinging a fistful of hard, yellow kernels at the face of an oncoming assailant, though it would probably be less effective.
So there I stood, bewildered, in the aisle of some low-budget office supply store contemplating pepper spray canisters. Yes, an office supply store carried Mace — yet another sign the spray is a necessity.
The sprays were similar in make and ingredients, each being a combination of habanero pepper oil, the leg of a blue poison dart frog and something similar to the venom found in cobras, that when sprayed into the eyes of said bad guys, is promised to induce crying, sneezing and begging for their mothers.
Though the ingredients and expectations were the same, the canister color choices and size options made my shopping excursion a bit difficult.
"What's the pink one say to you," I asked the unsuspecting clerk, "Hey, I'm a girly girl, attack me, or yes, it's pink but I know how to use it."
The clerk's eye roll and gum bubble said she either didn't care or thought I was nuts.
This small-town girl had officially found herself doing the second thing she said she'd never do in life, right after completing the first — which was move to a big city — and that's buying Mace.
Since an ear of corn wouldn't fit in my purse, I went with the more compact option, a small tube of the pepper spray that connects to my key ring.
And hey, if the flip top, push button, pull trigger method of fire doesn't work I've got a bunch of small, pointed metal objects connected to the other end that I'm sure will do some damage.
Who says you can't take the girl off the farm?

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