Tuesday, March 20, 2012

If chess were played with paint chips and tools

Last column as an employee of the Daily News. Look to the blog for more each week though.

"Oh, Windjammer sounds fun. What about Blue Tango or Summer Splash?"
I was whipping through paint sample cards faster than a Vegas Blackjack dealer.
"Peek-a-Boo Blue or Beach House," I asked, apparently to myself, as The Man was nowhere to be found.
Just when it looked like aliens had finally heard my pleas to beam him up, I found him -—holding a drill — a very large drill.
"Look," I demanded with the kind of urgency my three-year-old self would have been proud of. "I got these four samples for the living room and these three for the bedroom. I thought it'd be fun to paint an accent wall."
"Look what I found," he demanded, now holding drill bits.
He was uninterested in my colorful conundrum so I stuck the deck of cards in my purse and bided my time.
"We could use this to drill holes in the tile," he informed.
"This one cuts glass."
"I don't think they carry that screw driver I wanted for Christmas."
Following The Man through the tool department was exhausting, so I moved on to drapes.
Home owning is fun, at least in the first week.
Our 8 p.m. trip to the local hardware store wasn't the first, and won't be the last.
Once we returned to our castle, I began taping my paint samples to their designated walls. I stood back, hand on chin and contemplated like a professional.
"What's that for? You're going to paint the bedroom?"
Proving my hardware hunch correct, it was clear that The Man wasn't listening when I not so subtly demanded his attention. Men.
After explaining my painting plans — again — I pointed to one of the six shades of blue stuck to the middle of our wall.
"Which one," I asked.
"You're going to paint the wall blue?"
The lasers coming from my eyes said "YES!"
After a few more moments of my ESP and silence, he caved.
"That one looks grey. What are they called?"
"That's not what I asked and what names they have doesn't matter. Which one?"
This game was getting fun, like pin the tail on the donkey without pins or the threat of losing a finger.
"I don't know," as he picked up a drill.
Game over.

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